Guidelines for Mailing Santa

An Amentior Exclusive!

This intrepid reporter, ok, it’s me, Cathy, was fortunate enough to be able to have a private interview with Santa Claus yesterday. Santa did not have anything to say about condom usage; however, he did have a lot to say about how and how not to correspond with him this Christmas. Santa, who is nothing if not polite (he is a Saint you know!), called it his “Please Do” and “Please Do Not” list.

Please Do List
•Send requests via the Postal Service in your respective nation.
•Please send “hard copy” requests (aka paper) thru the mail service as Santa does not care for email or faxes. Furthermore, the elves are “computer illiterate”
•Leave, uh, room for negotiation in your wish list. List alternative gifts
•Use plain white paper. Santa is getting up there in years and the colored papers are hard for him to read
•Limit wish list to one page (8 ½ x 11), portrait orientation, 1” margins, Times New Roman 12ft, double-spaced, black

Please Do Not List
•Do not post send or embed hyperlinks in documents
•Do not send photos. Santa knows all
•Do not send testimonies of how “nice” you’ve been all year. Santa knows all.
•Do not keep sending or attaching prior year’s lists with the current list. Santa knows what you really need

Special Instructions
Vincenzo: Kindly stop asking for the loaded refrigerator and chest freezer. The sleigh can’t carry all that weight and the reindeer can’t pull it. Thanks and God bless you. Love, Santa.

Fun for You!

Looking for something to do without the people you only see once a year and can barely tolerate? Are you unable to watch one more minute of football? Is the thought of sitting thru another parade insufferable? Do the Malls terrify you? Is staring at the leftover turkey and wondering if you should make soup from it giving you a headache? Do you want to do something that is both fun and thoughtful?

Now, here, at long last, is a game you can play alone! Uncle Curt is probably already passed out drunk on the couch so don't worry about offending him because you didn't ask him to join you. This game will amuse you. It will create opportunities for personal decisions. It has no wrong answers. It will not tax your knowledge.



Be your own Magisterium!

A Vincenzo and Cathy joint!

Cross-posted to The Recovering Dissident Catholic

German pensioner bricks himself into his own cellar

BERLIN (Reuters Life!) – A German pensioner who wanted to seal off the entrance to his cellar ended up bricking himself into it, a police spokesman told Reuters on Thursday.

The senior citizen from Jena told police he only became aware of the mistake once his handiwork was complete, which police described as "pretty stupid" in a statement.

After camping out in the cellar for several days he resolved to free himself by knocking down a wall, but chose to demolish his neighbor's wall rather than the one he had just put up.

The man had been at loggerheads with his neighbors for some time and they informed the police when they heard drilling noises. The police were waiting for the pensioner when he made his great escape and have now launched an enquiry.

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Rare yellow-tailed woolly monkey colony discovered

 

A hidden colony of endangered yellow-tailed woolly monkeys was recently discovered in Peru. 

The colony was found by a team of international researchers from Neotropical Primate Conservation, a U.K.

charity. The yellow-tailed woolly monkey (Oreonax flavicauda) is native to a small part of the Andean cloud forest in northeastern Peru, and is so rare that it was thought extinct until a few sightings in the mid-1970s.

A monkey with a bright yellow tail would seem easy to find, but studying this species has been nearly impossible.

Not only does the yellow-tailed woolly monkey live in the remote valleys and steep mountains of Peru, but their home is also cocaine country and a former stronghold of Communist guerrillas...

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Recycle Your Bras!

A six-week initiative promoted by the Italian lingerie brand Intimissimi essentially exchanges one form of padding for another: used bras collected at its brand name stores throughout Italy will be recycled into insulated and soundproof panels used for construction. Read more here

Great! New materials for the padded booby-hatch I'll be in soon!

Hump day before Thanksgiving Haiku

Thanksgiving dinner
Hey, Gobble Gobble!
Make haste and get on my plate
Spicy pumpkin pie

Communion Preparation
We're learning the Creed
The "life ever laughing" line
Kind of makes some sense

Thanksgiving is
My sleepy backside
Not out Black Friday shopping
Do the Dance of Joy

Tuesday Tongue Twister

There was a fisherman named Fisher
who fished for some fish in a fissure.
Till a fish with a grin,
pulled the fisherman in.
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.

Message From TSA

All Russia invited to help name Putin's new puppy

Reuters

Russia's Prime Minister Vladimir Putin hugs a Bulgarian shepherd dog, after receiving it as a present from Bulgaria's Prime Minister Boiko Borisov.

MOSCOW (Reuters) – Prime Minister Vladimir Putin has invited Russians to help him come up with a name for his new puppy, which he received as a gift from his Bulgarian counterpart over the weekend.

"Anyone who wishes to can send their suggestion of a male name for the prime minister's new dog to his site," a government statement said on its official website www.premier.gov.ru .

After Moscow and Sofia signed a series of accords to boost the South Stream gas pipeline, Putin was all smiles when Bulgarian Prime Minister Boiko Borisov presented the Karakachan dog to the 58-year-old leader.

Putin, who has a black belt in judo and has cultivated a macho image, snuggled the fluffy, floppy-eared puppy of three months before gently planting a kiss on his snout.

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Tuesday Tongue Twister

To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A dull, dark dock, a life-long lock,
A short, sharp shock, a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a pestilential prison,
And awaiting the sensation
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!

--from Gilbert & Sullivan's The Mikado

Joad Cressbeckler Fears Genetic Modification Causes 'Wrath-Minded Taters'

Monkeys can -- and did -- sell programs at Texas Motor Speedway

 

By Jay Busbee

During planning meetings for the fall race, track officials discussed the idea of selling more programs to increase revenue. TMS President Bruton Smith mused that "monkeys could sell programs," and naturally, Gossage took him at his word. His staff tracked down two trained capuchin monkeys to handle the sales duties.    

The monkeys, named Miki and Rocky, made several appearances throughout the weekend, accepting $10 bills -- Gossage reportedly advised passersby that the monkeys don't make change -- and handing out the programs they didn't shred...

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Russia's Putin drives Formula 1 car at 150 miles per hour

(Rianovosti) Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin tested his capacities as a Formula 1 pilot, driving a racing car for several hours at a speed of240 km/ h (149 miles per hour) on a special track in the Leningrad Region in Russia's northwest.

Three racing cars - two vehicles for racing in the Formula's youth completions and one intended for the Formula 1 Grand Prix, were put on show in St. Petersburg on November 6 and 7. As part of the presentation of the racing cars, Putin personally drove a racing car on a special track in the Leningrad Region. Before getting into the car's cockpit, the premier received detailed instructions on how to drive the racing car.

The premier put on a helmet with Russia's national emblem and the word Russia inscribed on it, and also a Formula 1 outfit with his initials. The yellow color of the racing car was reminiscent of the Lada Kalina sport car that Putin had used to drive along the Chita-Khabarovsk Highway in the Russian Far East earlier this year.

A month ago, Putin attended a ceremony of signing an agreement with Formula One in the Russian Black Sea resort city of Sochi, under which Russia will stage a Grand Prix in the country between 2014 and 2020.

• Russia's Putin drives Formula 1 car at 150 miles per hour 
• Co-pilot Putin helps put out Russia's wildfires
• Biker Putin roars into Ukraine rally on a Harley

Bacon Flavored Soda

I'm not sure I'd like this. When I want bacon I want the actual hog! But, I suppose when you are too busy to fry up 1/2 pound....! Read more here Deep curtsy to Chris for the story!