When Ushers Attack!

Tell me if this has happened to you...

You are visiting a parish for the first time and then it's time for the Offertory/Collection and here come the ushers down the aisle and you feel that moment where you think "I wonder how they do it here" Here are a few simple steps to ensure that you will not screw it up and have the usher say "No, No, No, Give me that back!" and pretty soon you are engaged in an arm wrestling match with a 75-year old man in a 30-year old suit as you destroy the historical practice of the Offertory as it has been practiced in the parish since it was founded.

Step 1: Observe what the ushers are using for the collection.

If small baskets, watch closely to see if the basket is passed thru the pew and if the person on the end turns and starts it thru the next pew. This is what I call the "Baptist School"

If they are the long handled baskets that the usher uses to sweep 1/2 the row watch that thing so you don't get wacked in the body part when the usher pulls it back

If a deep wicker basket, look for the Baby Moses inside, his sister is supposed to be watching him.

Step 2: Observe if there are slots in it that mean the .50c you usually throw into a visiting plate is going to fall to the ground and reveal to everyone what cheap so-and-so you really are.

You can afford to travel and eat out but apparently giving to the Church was not in your budget. If you persist and it falls out, I'd leave by the side door after Mass as no one wants to meet you anyway.

With these basic rules we can all live in peace and harmony together! Have a happy summer!